Inside a Broken Mind

location: Bed.

mood: groggy

music: None

{}  [Real Life] {}


I...hurt....want to, die. ;.;



</333

{} [Pack Life] {}

Just dandy.

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: drained

music: Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

 {} [Real Life] {}

Okaaaay. *inhales deeeeply.* I've calmed down considerably since my last update. I suppsoe I lost it a bit...but, sometimes that happens. Used to be so frequently, that no one even questioned it. It was just how I was. Anywho, I upset alot of people because of my last entry...and I wanted to apologize to Ethan, my pack/family and more importantly, myself. I should've remained strong and not let myself down like that.

I have some topics I want to discuss, so I'll just list them off:

1) Money has been a constant worry for awhile now. So much needs to be paid/done but, we can't do it... Aroof. </3 I'm almost out in my account, WAY below my comfort level, lol...ah well, it happens. :/

2) My surgery is tomorrow...I'm scared. ;.; I've never really been sick in my life...It's more or less the AFTER affects of the surgery that is making me so nervous. *aroooo's.* </3

3) Sam, Chandler and Clayton and I all ended up talking about our fathers and...just...I could feel tears forming. It brought back so many memories, so much hatred...And lol, as if that didn't suck enough, he fucking calls. Spouting more bullshit. *shivers* It pains me just to hear his voice and hear him call me "Kasie Rabbit," a nickname my papaw called me before I saw him die. </3333

4) I don't know why, but I'm so protective over Sam. More so than my own little sister. e.e I swear, I've dealt with Sam more than Allison, hah. And hearing what Sam has to go through/deal with, pains me. Because I cannot do shit. x.x All I am able to do is lend my emotional support/strength and lend an ear if she needs it. She's a strong girl, but one can take so much.

5) The love life has hit some rough patches, but we seem to come through them just fine. last night was....very intense. :/ Wont go into details, but...eh. I'm scared. He said something that made me think, and worry about how he views our relationship. </3 <3 Aroof? ;.;

6) I may have lost a sister, but I gained 3 more, ones that I can actually...I dunno, love? Lol. x.x Chandler, Kris and Jess are SO awesome and I luff them all! >:D Chandler is SUCH a goofball, she's always the one who makes me laugh and smile more than most. Kris is one I can have an intellectual conversation with, we connect on a more..hm..I dunno, hard to put it. o.o And more important, Jessica is the one who cares so deeply, it shocked me. <3; She's the one I can rely on to really care about me. *glows.*
We all get along so great. And of course, we all luff Sam too! >:D *^.^*

{} [Pack Life] {}

We had a meet yesterday but unfortunatly, I had to miss it because of work..arooof. :/ But it went well, that I know since MY council is pristine and awesome. <3 I never have to worry about NR. *sighs contently.* I owe my sanity to my pack. Without them..I'd lose it, fo srs. =/

But everything's going smoothly. And I hope it stays on that track.

location: Ethan's Room.

mood: cynical

music: Angels & Airwaves - Call to Arms

{} [Real Life] {}

I hate how I'm having a good day, and then all of a sudden...total shit. *sighs* I don't even know what I am like this. I just am. I constantly fall into these depressions. </3 My mind is just a storm of raging emotions, some totally opposite. But mostly, I just brood over shit that pisses me off, and it gets worse. :/ Maybe I should take counciling. Nah, they'd just make take medication, like they tried to when I was younger, Fuckers. >:/ leave my manic depressiveness aloooone. It's what makes me...me. SO sorry I can't live up to society's standards of being a caring, happy person. :/ You're SOL if you think that's me. True, I have my moments when I want to do something generous and do something nice...and I always get ignored when I make that attempts. I'm sick of being the only one making an effort. Of being the only one seeming to give a damn. So, I'm making changes:

1) I'm no longer taking shit from anyone. I don't care how important you are to me.
2) Morgan is no longer my Spirit Sister. I severe that tie right here and now. She is still somewhat a friend, but that's all I see her as anymore. I'm sick of trying. SO, I'm done trying.
3) If Ethan wants to pick a fight with me over something stupid, that's just what he will get. Hope he can handle it.
4) If ANYONE has something to fucking say to me, bring it. Chances are, I'll either laugh and pity you, or just ignore you entirely. Kthnx.

I'm sick of feeling so damned depressed. It's been awhile since I've felt angry at the world. I suppose I was a bit overdue. While I'm at it, lemme on on an endless angry rant of stupid shit. </3

I FUCKING HATE FEELING ALONE. EVEN WHEN SOMEONE'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I HATE IT. I hate my fucking conflicting nature. With a passion. I want ONE OR THE FUCKING OTHER. Solitary or the need to be with someone. Fuck, I can't handle it. u.u I'm so fucked up on the inside, lol. I can never say what's really on my mind. Or I get into trouble. SO I keep shit bottled up. I'm tired of Ethan interagatting me because he's paranoid. I'm tired of Skylar pretending to be interested in my life again. I'm tired of Donald saying he loves me, but shows nothing but what a shady dickface he is. I'm tired of my mom yelling at me like I'm 11 again. I'm sick of my 'father' trying to act like he FUCKING OWNS ME. Just because you paid child support ONCE doesn't mean you own me, fucker. I'm sick of my grandmother turning her fucking snide nose at me and pretending to be interested in what I'm saying. I'm tired of my sister trying to fit it with all of the fucking trends going around. BE YOUR-FUCKING-SELF DAMNIT. *howls her frustration* Most of all, to myself: Stop kidding yourself and pretending you're something you're not. Stop eluding Ethan with the truth, stop trying to conform yourself and be someone everyone will approve of. Instead, fall back onto what you used to be. A druggie, miserable, abused, used, haunted, angry, alone. It's what you know, right? That's all you'll ever understand or know.

And now I feel as if a pathetic relapse is all I have to look forward too. <_< I thought I was improving, changing from what I USED to be...but Ethan even said...I havent changed. Funny, how the hell would he know? *scoffs softly.* I have....otherwise I wouldn't be trying to...I don't know, why AM I trying? Apparently I am not doing good enough. I'll never be good enough, not for anyones' standards.

location: Work.

mood: bouncy

music: Blink 182 - Feeling This

{} [Real Life] {}

Nothing to exciting to relate, just a few things to sum up...I'm sorry that my last entry was so short...wasn't fucking meant to be. >/ I originally had written 6 paragraphs and for some reason, it disappeared once I had posted. It wasn't the first time it happened, either. </3333

Well, most importantly, I figured out my career. Ever since I learned what a Vet was. I immediatly began pumping myself up for the future, so I could make that goal a reality. However, during the past 3 years, I was beginning to feel unsure of what I wanted to do. Part of me wants to become a reknown writer, the other, Vet. But, lat week I made my decision, along with Sam. She's been teetering on the idea of being a Vet. Assistant. So, I'm going to help her as much as I am able. <3 It'd be awesome to do that together. I'm beginning to feel alot closer to Sam than I am with any of my other Spirit Siblings. Jessica is awesome, though. (Lunarsong) and I'm going to ask her oocly to be my SpiritSister, since our IC characters are blood. x3 She's such a kind, caring person towards me, it's a weird relief.

Right now I am trying to get some homework done, but for some reason, the simplest things are eluding me. :/ It's very irritating. Sigh...I only hope I can finish with an A. Even a low one. That's my goal. >/ Home life is fine, Ethan came home all excited about the future, if he can get the job he wants...er, needs? It made me happy to see him that way. A nice change, and for the better I'm hoping.  I get my surgery in 6 fucking days....SO not looking forward for that. u.u Well, that's about it for now.

{} [Pack Life] {}

I've -never- been so happy and content with a pack before. Not even NightHunters, I think. I love everyone there, (Except Fenrir) <_< >_>;; And Seer is pregnant! And soon, so will Lunarsong and MoonWeaver. :3 The puppies so far: Seer's: Bliss, Siren and Spectre. Lunar's: Unknown for now. Moon's: Skoll and Rohana. <33 Yay! >:O And another thing, MoonKissed came back! AND, I found an awesome new player for Eclipsed. <3 Minus Freyr suddenly gone, everyone's been active. *tailwags happily.* We have a tremendously strong Council, so I know NightRain will live on for quite a while. <33

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: satisfied

music: Carrie Underwood - Wasted

{} [Real Life] {}

Uhh....Hi. << >> Lesse...stuff happened. Which is why I am here. But, I'm lazy, so....Basic shit:

I took my first quiz today. Got a fucking 84%! That's bullshit. I KNOW I could have done way better. :/ Unfortunatly, I mis-read alot of the questions and got them wrong. I feel so stupid. </3 Oh well, I have time to improve. I better. Or I will....feel bad about myself. Lawl. <_<

And my surgery appointment is a fucking day before V-Day. I was a little down-hearted to hear that...I wanted to luff on Ethan, but I wont be able to now. </3 LAME. But I need to get my tonsils out..it's starting to hurt again. u.u I'm really nervous about this, it's my first surgery...hum. I'm not going to be able to do like, anything. I was told I had to stay in bed for a few days. That's going to drive me fucking nuts. I'm going to be such a burden on Ethan...I'm so gonna make him my bitch. Lawl. <3 But with love, of course! *.*

Me and Ethan got into another argument last night. It was my fault and I know it. =/ But he needs to learn that yelling at me will only make me tune him out...I'm done getting yelled at, I don't give a flying fuck WHO you are. I'm tired of being abused, physically and emotionally. I was stupid before, letting it continue. Not anymore. I love Ethan with all I am and could be...but I wont tolerate it. I guess it would help if I stopped fucking up so much....but still, I'd appreciate him alot more, if he learned that his methods wont work on me. If you tell me once and make me understand the FIRST time, I'm fine...I shwear. ;-;

Me and Carla may be doing some art/written collabs together. Fun stuff. <3 We get paid for commissions, lawl. Who pays for that shit, no idea. Oh well.

{} [Pack Life] {}

Holy hell, the meeting went -AMAZING.- Here's a little recap:

- Renegade enters Omega!
- Lowe is promoted to Omega!
- Silvahn is made Packmate!
- Silvahn begins training for Caretaker.
- ShadoPaw begins training for Guardian.
- Mydnight begins training for Huntress.
- BlindSeer and Renegade are deemed courting partners!
- Silvahn and Lunarsong adopt Lowe and MoonWeaver!
- Moonkissed is demoted to Packmate.
- MoonWeaver is promoted to Gamma female!
- BlindSeer makes her announcement; She and Renegade are expecting a litter on April 4th!

I'm very proud of everyone! We have only 2 inactive wolves; MoonKissed and Eclipsed. And for the past 2 days, we've been holding a plot. All 11 of us have been rpging nonstop. The plot went great, and made for some good training exercises. <3 The bonds my pack has makes me so proud. *sighs contently.*

I'm a regular visitor in SilverMists, just like I used to be. It's weird. I'm getting along with everyone alot better now. Heather's hilarious, and Tiff is fun to just talk to. Mike...is a fag. </3

On a bad note: We need a fucking packsite! >:/ Solaris totally ditched us. And disappeared. Fuck.

location: Floor.

mood: lonely

music: Slipknot - Wait and Bleed

 {} [Real Life] {}

Yesterday was Ethan's 24th birthday...holy crap he's old! Hahaha, jaykay. <3 Unfortunatly, I couldn't find anything to give him, I was pretty stumped. But I bought him flowers, which are on the coffee table, and a cake that I hid in the oven. >D So when he woke up, I pulled it out and everything. Then I took him out to a movie (which wasn't as funny as I had hoped. <<), then we walked around the mall. He got some new clothes from American Eagle with a gift card my momma got him. We went way over, haha. He got me new undehs and a tank top to go with it. It was cute. x3 Then we went into the Bahookey Store (What my momma calls the pet store. xD) And I saw a little Buffers. <333 I just wanted to nibble on it, it was so fucking cute. After that, we left and went out for lunch. Yuuum. *drools.* Went home, did laundry, fucked around util about 7:00pm, then went out to dinner with Matt and Will. That was an interesting time, haha.

Today my online english course started. And I'm reading through the syllabus and everything and already I'm dying on the inside. <_< I don't think I'll be able to do this. u.u But I'll try my hardest. <3

Ooh, here's more song lyrics. >:D I'm feeling all loveydovey...prolly because Ethan's away from me. </3

Artist: Gary Allen
Title: The One

No rush though I need your touch
I won't rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I'll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I'll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I WILL prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I'll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I'll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"

Trust in me and you'll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you

Just ask it will be done
And I WILL prove my love
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"
~~

This has always been a favorite song of mine. <3 And it has a ring of truth in it, when it comes to my relationship.

{} [Pack Life] {}

Well, I'm finally happy with my packlife now. Ren has decided to leave his pack to join mine, so that Ren and Seer could court. Wewtage, haha. Anyways, this section will be updated after the meeting. <3

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: loved

music: Metallica - Of Wolf and Man

{} [Real Life] {}

Why is it, that while time passes on, my loves seems to develop onto a new stage? I figured it couldn't get any stronger than it has been...I was wrong. I know I'm content with my life, especially with Ethan, but whenever I see him, my heart stops and races at the same time. I feel like it beats solely for him. I love him with my entire being, and I don't know how I can even begin to describe what I feel everytime he takes me in his arms, kisses me, or even messes with me. We make mistakes when it comes to each other, but all is forgiven in no time. I am confident he is the one I want to spend my life with. Ive never felt this strongly about someone...he's done things I don't approve/like, and vice versa...but we're both able to look past everything we've done and love each other whole-heartedly. I love Ethan with everything I have, and I know he does the same. <333333 x infinity. :3

This is a song I was listening to earlier, and it encouraged me to write about this. I was paying attention to the lyrics, and it reminded me of what he's told me in the past, and what I know he'll say in the future.

Artist: John Michael Montgomery
Title: I Swear

I see the questions in your eyes
I know whats weighing on your mind
But you can be sure I know my part
cause Ill stand beside you through the years
Youll only cry those happy tears
And though Ill make mistakes
Ill never break your heart

I swear
By the moon and stars in the sky
Ill be there
I swear
Like the shadow thats by your side
Ill be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
Ill love you with every beat of my heart
I swear

Ill give you everything I can
Ill build your dreams with these two hands
Well hang some memories on the wall
And when theres silver in your hair
You wont have to ask if I still care
cause as time turns the page
My love wont age at all

I swear
By the moon and stars in the sky
Ill be there
I swear
Like the shadow thats by your side
Ill be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
Ill love you with every beat of my heart
I swear

I swear
By the moon and stars in the sky
Ill be there
I swear
Like the shadow thats by your side
Ill be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
Ill love you with every beat of my heart
I swear
I swear

~~

Tears come to my eyes when I listen to this song, because I know Ethan wants only the best for me, and does what he can to make me happy....I just hope he knows what an excellant job he's doing. I couldn't imagine feeling this way about anyone or anything else. He's all I want in my Lifemate, and I believe he's just that.

Phew....aside from that random little schpeel...I'm sitting at home, doing nothing, Yay.

{} [Pack Life] {}

How is it that someone can join a pack without reading the god damned rules? *snorts* Solaris decided to leave NR and start his own pack, just because I wouldn't let him be in 2 packs. What the fuck ever. Am I surrounded by unloyal people who thinks it's funny to insult my rules and Alpha abilities? And of course, we have no website now. I was going to ask Morgan, but she decided to start a problem because I was apparently running my 'foul mouth' at her. e.e God, I can't even make a simple statment. Shit.

This is why I stay to myself. I'm tempted to move the pack to a server no one knows about. <_< I'm tired of people visiting just to start shit. It seems EVERYONE is doing it.

Oh, and SilverMists was reformed. That one big LOL.

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: peaceful

music: Trace Atkins - Kiss This

{} [Real Life] {}

Hum. What to say....I went to the surgeon this afternoon. I get my tonsils out soon, in 2 weeks. :/ They said my recovery will be hard, because I'm so much older. Lol, and it seems that Sam has the same problem as me, though hers appears to be strep, I guess. ~.~

Ethan got back from his meeting with his boss person thingie...yay he's not getting fired! <3 We were so worried... :/ Hehe, the song I'm listening to is becoming a new favorite of mine, reminds me of Ethan! Here's the lyrics:

Artist: Sara Evans
Title: A Real Fine Place To Start

I'm gonna do it darling
I could waste time tryin' the figure it out,
But I'm jumpin' in anyhow.
I've never been this far
Didn't know love could run so deep
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep

Holdin' you close, chasing that moon.
spinning all night,
Lovin' just who you are
sparks flying in the dark
shooting out lights, hunting down dreams,
figuring out what love really means
baby giving you my heart,
is a real fine place to start.

something is goin' on
I can't explain but sure can touch
It's calling both of us.
stronger than any fear or doubt,
It's changing everything i see
It's changing you, it's changing me.

Holdin' you close, chasing that moon.
spinning all night,
Lovin' just who you are
sparks flying in the dark
shooting out lights, hunting down dreams,
figuring out what love really means
baby giving you my heart,
is a real fine place to start.

Right here, right now's the perfect spot, the perfect time.
The perfect moment when your skin is next to mine.

Holdin' you close, chasing that moon.
spinning all night,
Lovin' just who you are
sparks flying in the dark
shooting out lights, hunting down dreams,
figuring out what love really means
baby giving you my heart,
is a real fine place, real fine place to start.
Oh yeah
Oh,oh,oh

Nothing much else to report...Oh, I fed Ginger kitty. <3 Lol, apparently it's the apartment mascot. Haha. Oh, and Chandler...Katie...stop hurting yourselves, you dolts. <33

{} [Pack Life] {}

Things have definantly improved!! Solaris came back! And Darkfang has been coming around a bit more, and Moonkissed came for a visit. <3 It made meh happeh. Sean even returned for a bit, though he's in Ireland for awhile because his grandfather's sick. =/ The meeting's only a few days, weeee. Cannot wait!

Sam adopted Mydnight, so that's fucking cool. <3 Lunarsong and Silvahn have decided to breed, too! Wewtage. Oh, and the plot has begun. DUN DUN DUUUN....n shit. ;x Lowe came back too, which is hella cool. But Ima have to remove Icenote, Zann and Blackheart if they dont show up before Monday. =/ They better get their asses in gear.

Weeeeell I think that's it for now. </3 Not much to say, just wanted to put SOMETHING here...

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: jubilant

music: Black Eyed Peas - Hey Mama

{} [Real Life] {}

It's been pretty laid back around here, mostly sitting around the house or running errands, or working. Yay, money! :3 My relationship with Ethan seemed to...I dunno, get more passionate after he and I had a fight the other day. Haha, how weird....ah well, I'll deal with it. I just realized how much time we spend with each other....annnnnd it's alot. :x Yet we manage to miss each other for the scant hours we are forced to be apart. Lulz. </3

I didn't get to start my college class today like I was supposed to, I have to wait until the 28th. Damn book didn't arrive in time. >/ Meh. I hate waiting. And I'm supposed to see the surgeon about my tonsils tomorrow. Joy. That'll be a fucking blast. <_<

Oh, the other night, Ethan and I were walking outside and I kept thinking something was following us. It kinda creeped me out. o.o I glanced back...and it was a kitty! :3 It followed us for awhile, and I called it over. While I was petting it, I checked for a collar or maybe a microchip in the shoulder. I found neither. It was really dirty, but a beautiful orange tabby underneath. It was sooo friendly, I fell instantly in love with it! I'm hoping it comes back...I left kitty food out for him. T.T Ethan wont let us get a cat, so this is as close as I can get.... </3

Ummm....Other than that, nothing to report, really. :/

{} [Pack Life] {}

Things were slow for awhile, but all of a sudden, Solaris came back! *howls happily.* Those who were on got all excited. =D I'm sooo happy he's back. :3 And then I held a little meeting with myself, Lunarsong, Silvahn, MoonWeaver and Silvahn. We all talked about the future of Nightrain. We came up with a plot to help out with activity, but the attendance... ;-; And I don't even know if Darkfang is returning...and Lowe left because we kicked Mydnight out...*rubs her eyes.* Ugh. So far, our of 13 wolves...only myself, Lunarsong, Silvahn, MoonWeaver, Solaris and Deinara are active. :/ Oh well, it'll make us a tighter family in the end and that is all that matters.

I'm sure things will pick up soon. <3

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: disappointed

music: Timbaland - The Way I Are

{} [Real Life] {}

Just wanted a quick update, in case I don't get to it tonight. I'll be working for a good chunk of the day, sinc the Fire Academy starts today. :O Ima be a busy bee again! Whoo.

I went to bed depressed again, but I usually wake up just fine. But as I lay there with Ethan beside me, I yearned to be touched and loved. Which is odd, usually I want my god damned space, so you better fucking give it. I wanted him to make the first move...but got tired of waiting, haha. So I kinda went to touch him, laid my hand on him and he laid his over mine. <3 Then I snuggled closer and....yeah, sparks flew! It was hot. <3 Usually our sex is either: A) Intense, fast and hard. B) Very lovely and gentle C) Just to get it done and go to sleep D)And bqgdjw. But last night, he said it was all about me. =D ALLLLL of it. <3 It was nice, and I was surprised. Sex is a mutual thing between us, and we spoil each other rotten, but it was a nice change of pace.

Of course, I couldn't go to sleep afterward but it was almost 1:30am and we both had to get up at 6:15am for work. ._. It sucked. Finally I drifted off to sleep. But when I woke up, I was thinking about my IRC family, so I padded over to the kitchen table to check any new LJ's. Of course, I found 2. By Chris (Renegade) and Morgan (Amythist/Dagda.) I was a little surprised, and a little ashamed to find Chris's about me. And I just got even more pissed off when I read Morgan's. Poor girl.

To Chris: I'm...sorry, is all I can say. My actions/words towards you aren't meant in a cruel sense, I'm being more selfish than I should and I need to cease and desist. I'll explain more to you once I can PM you, but for now, I hope you accept my apology. I suppose my feelings were hurt, among other things, and I as already feeling bad...I let it get out of paw, and I'm very sorry. Our friendship may be new, but I can see it being a lasting one. I see great potential in you as a leader, and if you want to remain with LE...I totally respect it and will do whatever I can do aid you, even if I must forfeit my own feelings, and that of Seer's. We'll talk more later.

To Morgan: You know I would do anything for you, Sisters of the Spirit, remember? I don't care what trouble I get into, I've always defended you and I have no problem doing so again, even if I immerse myself into more trouble. You're worth it. I may not have people defending me, but that's alright. I don't care. =/ My rep. is pretty much shit anyways, I must do what I can to salvage yours. And the way people are treating you lately is....disgusting. People don't deserve to have you even speak to them. *scoffs.* You may be too nice, but luckily you have me to balance that out, and vice versa. Your help with Ren is appreciated, and I realized that I sounde selfish when we spoke, even if you say I wasn't. But I'm...tired of being the complete bitch people speak of. I did the wolfrp world a favor when I found you, hopefully I can do the same with Renegade. Don't give up, sister. I'll always be by your side to catch you when you fall, remember that poem I wrote you? Every word is true, and I'd fight fang and claw to keep it that way.

{} [Pack Life] {}

Okay, I want to make things clear, or rather, BlindSeer's actions. Yes, she's upset, but just what is the reason? I suppose my OOC feelings are rubbing off ICly, and vice versa, which has never been a problem before. But since meeting Renegade, I've taken a liking to him. (Not THAT way, but as a good friend.) Which is very rare. Those worthy of my praise are just that; worthy. And only a few may lay claim to that.

Well, after Seer met Ren, she instantly began taking a liking to him, because he was everything she wanted in a mate. Strong, a very good leader, his actions towards the packfamily, his devotion...she wanted that, and more, directed towards her and NightRain. Well, Ren is Alpha of LunarEclipse, which means they cannot even court because of the Out Of Pack Courting/Mating Law. Which I will stand by steadfast, even to my own personal gain. I won't make an exception, even though I wish I could. Every time I see Ren make a post about a mate and having pups, it upsets me even more. I wont ask Ren to leave LE...I respect his desire to remain Alpha there...but still. ;-;

Anyways, moving on. I've NEVER had a mate that stuck around for more than 2 weeks. Ever. And I've only had.....2? Vin of NorthernLights/SweetMystics and Konaa/My IRL Boyfriend. I've always wanted a mate who I could turn too as a friend, one who would help me with the pack and everything...just like everyone else seems to have, that I can't get. So, Seer knows nothing can become of her and Renegade, so she's trying to...avoid him, while not, at the same time....though that makes absolutly no sense. *sighs.* She doesn't want to be reminded she cannot have him, but doesn't want to lose his friendship either. Kind of a sticky situation....oh well, I'll have to deal. Like I've always done.

location: Kitchen Table.

mood: aggravated

music: Sugarcult - Memory

{} [Real Life] {}

Today was uneventful, really. Just ran to the GCC college and shit.

Overall, my mood is just...blah. I guess it started with Ethan teasing me about my chest sized. No matter how much I love him, it still really hurts my feelings. That's something I am VERY senstive about, so of course I got annoyed. I guess it  developed into a depression that I can't get out of right now. He says I'm being silly for being so sensitive about it...well, I fucking can't help it. So, fuck off. <_<

That's pretty much it for this part of my update. The next section...prepare yourself. >:/

{} [Pack Life] {}

What the fucking FUCK is wrong with people? Wolfrp has really changed since 2002-03. I'm sick of people and their fucking packs that are made up of nothing but fucktards who are SO scared of a little 'drama', that they in turn create it in a much larger volume.

Guess what, fuckers. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE DRAMA. BUILD A FUCKING BRIDGE AND GO JUMP OFF OF IT. =/ If you can't handle it, get off the internet lol. Seriously, get off your fucking pedastals. Think you won't be 'touched?' Think a-fucking-gain. You'll see.

Now. On another note, but just as serious, if not disgusting, disappointing, heinous, and so many other cool words that I could jot down but should just get to the point... Ever since SweetBreeze began, I've never liked Devilwolf. I have a good eye on judging characters. And he's always bothered. Appeared fake. He and I never got off on the wrong foot, always walking eggshells around each other. Well, after he killed off Devil and brought in Dante, I figured I'd try and start fresh with him. He seemed to want to do the same. Even adopted my wolf character, Wyntir. Then he began acting like I was the fucking plague. So I said fuck that and abolished it.

He's treated my sister like shit for the fucking last time. Next time I hear something, I'm taking it to the IRC cops and having him Klined. He doesn't deserve to be on mirc anymore. I'll end my rant here, I'm too angry to continu.

location: Work

mood: calm

music: None

{} [Real Life] {}

I'm sitting at work right now, waiting for permission to leave. So I thought I'd drop a little something in here for the amusement of others. ;/

I drove to the GCC college, without freaking out, wewt! I think it's a big improvement, at least I wasn't shaking and having a little heart attack like normal. Ethan's a patient teacher, of which I am really glad. I hate feeling stupid around him. </3 And this Saturday I get to try parallel parking for the first time...ugh! Which is really the last step before I drive with the instructors to get my license. ;_; I'm nerrrrvouuuus. Ah well, I'll deal with it when it comes along.

Things between me and my sisters are....okay. *shrugs a bit.* Morgan doesn't talk to me anymore. Sam does, but not is not around as much. I feel like we're all growing even further apart. </3 But, whatever. They know where to find me. x_x

I get paid tonight, wewt! :x Not much else to update about Real Life, not much going on. =/

{} [Pack Life] {}

It's going well, rp is slacking off during the day, but Lunarsong and Silvahn really go at it at night. xD It's fun to watch them. I'm liking Silvahn more and more each day, and I'm glad he decided to join us. I have a special rank in mind for him, so, we'll see! =D

ArcticDawn has been doing great as Sikla in training, I can't wait to promote her fully. She really deserves it. :3

NightRain has a sisterpack! Renegade, a male who I've been instructing as an Alpha, has formed his own pack. LunarEclipse. =3 I get to help, wewt! I'll be recruiting for him soon.

Ugh, I had to ban MydNight today. Finally, was wondering when it was going to happen. She REALLY rubs my fur the wrong way. -_- She kept bitching about Amythist and I told her to shove it. Then she wouldn't quit nagging at me. So I banned her. I know Darkfang is gonna be pissed, but eh, don't care. I'm the Alpha. I wont tolerate that shit anymore. =/

Other than that, things are peaceful and quiet.

location: Kitchen.

mood: accomplished

music: Rise Against - Roadside

{} [Real Life] {}

My health is finally improving, I can fucking eat, drink and breath again! Unfortunatly, I still have to get my tonsils removed before I get Sepsis and die. ;x But I'm feeling much better and ready to take charge again!

Life at home is...fine. Sometimes Ethan and I quarrel over little things. We both get so defensive it's ridiculous, hah. But we haven't killed each other yet. May be some hope! ;-; I love him, but sometimes I feel so....er, not good enough. He watches me like a hawk sometimes, and I fear I will make a mistake in something so simple and he'll find me too immature for him. *grumbles.* Bah.

School...well, I'm FINALLY taking more control over my future. I got to thinking last night; I'm home alone alot, bored out of my mind. I needed a hobby. No, what I NEED is something working towards my future. So, today while I was at work, I was checking out the online college courses I could possibly take. And lo' and behold, the English 101 class! It starts on the 22nd...perfect! So my mother and I worked on my registration, but I had to go to another college to take the writing placement...Ahaha, it took me 12 minutes to take, and I scored high enough to place into the Honors class! I was surprised, I wasn't even trying. x3; Sooo hopefully I get enrolled tomorrow! Unfortunatly, it made me realize how much I'm doing to get myself ahead, at my age. I'm only 17! It makes me feel a bit bad that Ethan cannot go to school like I can because of money. *sighs.* He really needs to do something...and soon. But mostly it's a 'wait and see' what happens. =/

Oh, good news; I got a check for $100.00 from meh grandma. Yay. *^.^*

{} Pack Life {}

Oh man, this has got to be the best pack I've ever had. @.@ I'm never afraid to jump on anymore! <3; We had our first meeting last night, 20 wolves! Not bad, at all. It was a better turnout than I could have hoped for. Many things happened, and I'm proud of my council for picking up my slack. I was running rampant all over the place. x.x I'm so glad to have them. If the female Council ranks weren't all taken, I'd so consider MoonWeaver for one. She's a very good wolf to have, and I'm proud to have her in my family. She really gives it life. <3

LONG LIVE NIGHTRAIN FOREVA. AND EVA. AND EVA. :3

location: Kitchen.

mood: anxious

music: The Offspring - Why Don't You Get a Job

{} [Real Life] {}
=================

I am furious. Right now I should be sitting in my EMT class. But noooo. *snarls.* My sickness had gotten so much worse. Now I have to have surgery to remove my tonsils before I go sepsis and die. >.< I have to take a grand total of 8-9 pills a fucking day, can't even breath through my nose. My airway is almost completly restricted. Which is bad. ;/ So, I had to drop EMT because you can only miss ONE day, and Ima be laid out for weeks. *sighs and whimpers.* I wanted this so much. And now Matt is giving me a bit of a hard time about it, though he understands so backed off. I guess he just didn't want to do it alone. Told him I'd still help.

Living with Ethan is....interesting, to say the least. We're both completly comfortable with each other, as if we've been doing it forever. Yet, some things irk the shit out of us. Lol, I cut him pretty bad with tweezers last night. I don't feel bad anymore. I told him to stop doing something, and he didn't. He was punished. ;x Maybe it was a bit harsh...but he stopped.

Things between me, Morgan and Sam...ugh. This is the one topic that confuses me the most.

Morgan...sigh. We have such a fragile sistership, it's getting ridiculous. I swear, we can't say one word to each other without us taking offense to it. =/ I guess because of past experiances, we're all on edge...I dunno, I wish that wasn't the case. Even though Morgan infuriates me more than anyone I know, I still love her. Maybe not like her all of the time, but I love her. She's my sister, my support and my backbone. I LOVE her, so you all can back the fuck off. </3 It's been 4 years, and hopefully many more to come. I just wish...she'd actually TALK to me, ya know? Something...I dunno, NOT referring to bad news. x.x She seems to ignore me otherwise. So I decided to just say out of the same channels she is. Makes me a bit uncomfortable.

As for Sam...she has a fucking mouth on her, if only she had the self-will to control it. She's a good kid, really. But so defensive and taking everything 'bad' automatically into something personal. She doesn't seem to understand. u.u I love her to death, she's my little sister...but I can only tolerate so much before I can't stand to allow her in my channels. She's constantly getting banned and wonders why. =/ Maybe if she could learn some tolerane and behave, there wouldn't BE a problem. I'm supposed to talk to her, and her out her apology...that'll be interesting. ;x

Kovo/Amber and I, surprisingly, talked for hours a day or two ago. I came in as Shoga, a character she adopted last year. She and I have hit several rough patches, prolly because I feel so...I dunno, jealous of her? She has a nice art talent, the respect of my sister, and blah blah. =/ Well, I went in there to make amends, if you would, and we ended up talking for awhile. She lives 30 minutes away from me, lol. Totally getting our nails done. ;/

{} [Pack Life] {}
=================

We have our real first meeting on Monday,  am hoping for a good turnout. D: I know some people think I made NightRain for the hell of it, that all I care about is numbers...Roffle. You couldn't be more fucking wrong. But again, this is why no one likes those certain people. ;x Things have been sort of quiet, now that school is back in session, but not entirely silent. Nothing to be alarmed about. :O We're getting new wolves visiting every day, and I am proud of our members. ShadoPaw had to be kicked out. He was lying to my face again, being in two packs. >/ Fucker. Ah well.

DarkFang/Flames is finally back from his/her vacation, yay. <3 I missered him. And ArcticDawn has been doing some good training, especially with the help of MoonWeaver. =D I'm so glad for all of their loyalty. I couldn't run this pack without them. <3

location: Home.

mood: crappy

music: None.

 This is strictly a wolfrp rant. >;/

So last night, while I was watching a movie with Ethan, Mydnight (A member from NightRain, DarkFang's daughter)was hanging around in the EmeraldMysts pack channels. All of a sudden, I start getting logs and PMs about how Mydnight said something about the show she was watching, and got bombarded with opinions by the EM members. Granted, I will never say that someone should withhold their opinion if they don't want too. But SERIOUSLY. If they KNOW it's going to start drama, why can't they keep their fucking mouth shut? Retards.

So, I start asking questions because I know it'd get out of paw. Apparently MydNight didn't 'do' anything ban worthy, but was banned by Morgan/Amythist anyways. Uh...okay? I sure hope your members got a stern talking to as well. :X Seeing as they contributed to the problem. But again, I'm not wanting to cause a problem here, but putting the spotlight on one that's pre-existing.

Now, Amy has been telling her members that I "got mad" when she PMed me, telling me to school my members in manners. All of a sudden, Kasie bashing! </3 It always happens, and I really don't care, but whatev. ;/ I have 2 logs. One between me and Amythist. And one between Amy and some of her pack. Ima let YOU decide if I was being a bitch, yelling or whatever. Here you go:

<Amythist> bleh you may want to teach mydnight some manners :/ she came into my cahnnels and started a fight with Opal x.x
<Amythist> just figured id let you know seeing as we are both well aware of how the actions of a member can reflect on a pack
<Seer|Working> I can't dictate what my members do when I'm not around. And from what I heard, she didn't pick a fight with Opal, the aruging was amongst your pack.
<Amythist> 32cjvnkcx
<Amythist> sry
<Seer|Working> o_o
<Amythist> Grymmlyn said hi lol
* Seer|Working cuddles the kitty. <3
<Amythist> Naw They were talking about something and mydnight pulled an akuya by going all
<Amythist> DAMN IT GRYMM
<Seer|Working> Listen, I understand but you know as well as I do we cannot control our members like that. And I don't want to deal with this right now, about to go back to the Emergency Room.
<Amythist> Like i said, Im just telling you so you know how your members are behaving in other areas. im not doing it to cause problems. Trust me the last thing i want is more drama
<Amythist> im just sure she came back to you all "im innocent i didnt do shit and got banned" ect
<Seer|AfK> No, she said she said something and then your member started yelling their opinions at her.
<Seer|AfK> I saw some of the log.
<Amythist> so did i
<Amythist> but whatever
<Amythist> message delieverd
* Seer|AfK sighs in irritation and poofs.

{ Above, I got a little irritated, but I'm on medication for 2 different health reasons and tired. That's the last thing I want told to me before I go to the Doctor's. =/ But no yelling, no sarcasm nor bitchiness. </3}

<MoonWeaver> <&Amythist> i love how i ban someon and i turn into a bitch when they are the ones starting shit -_-
<MoonWeaver> <&Zircon> hmm
<MoonWeaver> <&Zircon> whats wrong
<MoonWeaver> <&Zircon> what happened
<MoonWeaver> <&Amythist> I banned Mydnight cause she was to prideful just to say sorry to OpalMoon for something she said and she went bacck to Kasie all "OMG DAGGIZ A BITCH YADDAYADDA
<MoonWeaver> <&Awniks> good news zir mynights baned
<MoonWeaver> <BlackOnyx> ugh
<MoonWeaver> * &Amythist just snorts
<MoonWeaver> <&Amythist> i hate stupid people -_-
<MoonWeaver> <&Amythist> i try to tell Kasie how her members are behaving and she gets all mad at me :/
<MoonWeaver> * &Amythist grumbles and sits in a corner
<MoonWeaver> * Azureite is still asleep near a tree
<MoonWeaver> <BlackOnyx> well they act like her
<MoonWeaver> <BlackOnyx> thats where they get it from
<MoonWeaver> <BlackOnyx> she yells at them
<MoonWeaver> <BlackOnyx> and they pick it up from her
<MoonWeaver> * +BloodDiamond pokes the crancky alpha
<MoonWeaver> <&Amythist> i love Kasie, i really do but when im trying to deliver a message and she gets all defensive geesh

I don't remember getting so defensive that was behind my right. =/ It's a natural human thing. So, whatever. And I do NOT yell at my members. I love them and if I yelled, why would they stick around. So, fuck you guys! <3

location: Home

mood: aggravated

music: T-Pain - Buy You A Drink

 {} [Real Life]{}
================

In regards to my last posting in this thing, most could tell how angry I was. Well, yesterday Ethan and I continued our bickering for awhile, then really talked it through. We realized it was a huge mis-communication on both our parts, so everything is fine and dandy! :3

I talked about a weird sickness I had, a few posts ago, and I thought it'd be gone. But last night, I started feeling like I had a sore throat, and suddenly I started shaking pretty horribly (I wasnt even COLD). Then, what freaked me out the most, was that my lips and fingernails were turning purpleish. D: So i have to call the doctor AGAIN. >:/ I swear to fucking god...This is getting ridiculous. I've been on so much medication/had more doctors visits within the last month, than I have had in 2 years. e.e

My EMT school starts in a fucking week. </3 Nervous as fuck. I feel sick! D: I hope I passss.

{} [Pack Life] {}
=================

Things have been going WONDERFULLY. I'm so proud of everyone, especially Lunar, Solaris, Arctic, Moonweaver and Silvahn. <3 I'm happy to see NR doing so well. I couldnt ask for better members. =D

Well, apparently all I give a shit about is 'numbers.' *snorts* Well, let me lay down the law right now; I fucking couldn't get a fuck less. You don't see me recruiting at all, nor even wanting too. I'm comfortable with how NR is now, because bonds need to be forged.

location: My Apartment

mood: infuriated

music: Metallica - The Unforgiven

{} [Real Life] {}
=================

I figured it was overdue for a rant. :D Because believe me, I have quite a bit to say. I feel as if my life is being...I dunno, violated? Sounds harsh, but that's exactly what it feels like. Let me recap to the last few days. I'll keep it short and sweet.
~~~~~~

First and foremost, I'm now living on my own. Technically, with Ethan, but you get my point. A huge step, and I am so nervous that I'll fuck it up. Would be my luck. I tend to fuck everything else up. Why not the most important thing in my life? Things have been okay so far...except for today.

Apparently I am not allowed to make friends. WHY do I ALWAYS find a guy who refuses to let me live? Fuck. Ethan and I got into a pretty bad spat and of course, makes it out to seem like -I- am the selfish one, that -I- and overreacting. Fuck that. I wont let this happen again. Donald thought he could gauge what I did with my social life and I let it happen. Now I fucking know better. It's not fair that I have to sit here twiddling my thumbs while Ethan gets chummy with his best friends. TRUE he doesn't see them often. But at LEAST HE HAS THEM. I have fucking NO ONE. Am I wrong in my logic here? That I should be allowed to be like everyone else? Just because guys may be around? LOL. Sorry to break it to you, Ethan..But I'm going to be around males for the rest of my fucking life. Get. Over. it. Now, how I choose to handle their attention is ENTIRELY different. I don't go oggling over any man, never have, never will. I'm completly comfortable with my relationship. How about some fucking trust. I got really moody/upset when I found out he was leaving tonight. He turned it into ME being the bad guy, that he doesn't get to see his friends too much, blah blah...I know I know, he doesn't have to be glued to my hip...but I HATE being alone, especially having him where I can't see to protect him. He's a grown man, I should trust him...and I do, don't get me wrong. But isn't it fair? I mean, can't I be a little upset he can have friends? Hell, as much as I dislike people...I can say I am a little jealous. =/ It's....ugh. I don't know. =/ It's all just bullshit..

Sam got banned from my IRC channels because she couldn't help but run her fucking little mouth. She thinks it's cool to not give a shit about her friends. </3 I try and soothe her anger all of the time. Tis my job as a SS. But when she directly insults me infront of my pack.....well, I don't care WHO the hell you are, I won't tolerate it. I don't regret doing it. In fact, I'd do it again with no hesitation. Of course, I'll end up the bad guy again. But I couldn't give a fuck less.

EMT school starts in 9 days....Yay. *claps lamely.* I'm still really nervous..

Today I went to the gyno and got fingered by metal prods. *shudder.* It really hurt, because on a 'non-infection' I have caused by...rofl..TOO much sex. Lol. I kinda thought it was ironic/hilarious. Just my luck. I've seen more fucking doctors in 1 month than I have in 4 years. e.e It's getting kind of ridiculous. So, I have to take medicine for a week. Can't fuck or drink. Fucking Joy.

{} [Pack Life]{}
================

Life in NightRain is fantastic, couldn't ask for better from everyone. Rp has been constant, and attendance has been amazing. NR is home to 13 active wolves, and I couldn't be more proud at this time. ArcticDawn is finally gaining a council rank, and I'm proud. Makes me happy to know she's happy about it. Most of the wolves are starting to really get into character, and Solaris, an old MV members, finally returned and made a beautiful site for us: www.freewebs.com/xnight-rain-packx/ I'm so happy. <3 Everyone is bonding, like a real pack family.

On another rp note, I started lion rpging, lol! It's on furcadia, and believe me, it's a tad bit different a nice little refresher from the drama of wolfrp. I'm Chrysa, Queen of the Jivunia pride. x3 It's pretty interesting. I love the pride members, they'll all a cool bunch. Especially Tasbihi (King/Mate to Chry), Classics (Daughter) and Haramere. They're great to be around.

location: Ethan's Bed

mood: calm

music: The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright

{} [Real Life] {}
=================

Christmas was...okay. Never really had a fantastic holiday before, dunno why it should start now, lol. I'm not a holiday person. ;x On Christmas Eve, Ethan came over and we opened presents. Joy. This is a list of what I got, lol since everyone is doing one!

- iPod (How cliche` x3)
- A new book
- New Pj's
- A new purse
- 50 dollars
- Starbucks card
- A new alarm clock/ipod thingie. o.o
- Bubble bath stuff. <3
- A cute fluffy jacket Ethan's momma made me. x3
- A leather holder for my ipod

Annnd that's all I can remember. ;x It wasn't about gifts I got, it was just...I dunno. Ah well. =/

5 MORE DAYS UNTIL I MOVE. <333

location: Work.

mood: chipper

music: Tim McGraw - She's My Kind of Rain

{} [Real Life[ {}
=================

Ugh. I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I was drowning...in my spit. How...gross. x3 I ended up coughing this thick white stuff, and when I opened my mouth to see down my throat, I almost gagged...I had fucking white pus spots on my tonsils! T.T Disgusting. So after being at work for 2-3 hours, my mother, an RN, took one look, freaked, and ordered Ethan to take me to Urgent Care/The ER. I was there for fucking nearly THREE HOURS. @.@ It was lame. I had a few nurses thinking it was strep throat, but when they tested it for it, the test came out negative. So they had to draw blood. *faint* I was negative for mono as well. So I was left in my little room, alone, sipping on apple juice and listening to Christmas music. Finally thee Doctor comes back in and says, "I am sorry, but we can't let you leave for awhile?" Of course, I was confused. If I was fine, why couldn't I? Apparently, my heart rate was 120, way above normal. I didn't even realize it. So they ordered me to drink alot of water and apple juice FAST. I got freaked, and tried, but my swollen throat wouldnt let me. ;.; Sooo...my nurse comes in, saying they had to put an IV in me. I felt myself go pale...I hate needles. =/ Ethan came in and held my hand. But after she stuck the IV in my right arm, I was told I was hypervenalating, which created a horrid burning/tingling sensation in my entire arm. Even when she took it out, it stayed like for that a few minutes. My arm became so heavy that I couldn't lift it. Then they stuck me in the other arm. @.@ I was crying a bit, though not really noticible.

So, after that, they  turned the IV on fucking hyperspeed. It felt awkward, and though kind of facsinating at the same time. I was just starting to calm down, when in walks my mother and Edward. I was like...oh, great. e.e I can understand why they would want to check up on me, I'm the only kid to be in the hospital for an 'illness.' And there I was, being fed fluid because I was so dehydrated, I wouldn't bleed. >.o They talked with me and Ethan for awhile. I was drained. The doctors gave me 4 pills of steroids and 2 really strong tylenol. Doesn't seem like alot, but I just never take medication. It hit me pretty hard. I was still weak, but my throat was feeling better. <3; Having Ethan there soothed me a bit, but still...I felt lame, haha. Finally, my IV was done but we had to leave it in for awhile...because the doctor hadn't made it to me yet. But GOD I had to peeee. ;.; Never in my life has it been that bad, rofl. Sooo my momma unhooked my IV from the little metal stand and handed it to me. "Here, go." I was like...oh. @.@ Weird. But I was about ready to explode. So I grab it and go. I do what I needed to do, and on my way back, I look down...and see my blood running back through the IV tubing. Which isn't good. ;.; Ed said something about it and it freaked me out. Finally it was taken out and we got to fucking leaveee. <3 Oh, but guess what...They couldnt figure out what was wrong with me. >:/ Bastards.

We had to go to CVS next to pick up my medication. My momma came and loaded us up with it, water and stuff. Suddenly she goes all mushy on me and starts hugging me, whispering that she was there if I needed her, that she'd take care of me...and if I was feeling ill again, to come home. So we leave, Ethan and I go eat so I could take my meds, and then we head home. Thank god, I needed a nap...so we did. x3 Then we made love and it was wonderful. I can finally have sex without crying in pain. :D Improvement! Haha...

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Ethan and I are going to my parents' house to open presents, then we're off to work. =/ I wonder what I got? I never ask for anything...hm. :x

Last night, Ethan and I were snuggled into bed, having one of our talks. Of course, haha....but marriage was a huge concept of it, and I am still sort of confused with myself. I understand for Ethan. He's almost 24, he wants a comfortable home life. I am 17, still young and should be dating around to find my perfect guy. But I found him and refuse to look elsewhere, despite what others might think. I dont care if I'm being told I am rushing. I love him. All that matters.

{} [Pack Life] {}
=================

I told everyone that Dagda and I would make up. It just takes a few days. No matter how much we fight, I will never love her any less. <3 She's my sister, through and through. Sooo there. *huffs.*

NightRain is doing really well. I'm proud of those who stuck with me. Especially DarkFang, LunarSong and MoonKissed. :3 Lurves them all! I'm content with my pack, despite what SOME people say. I dont give a shit about numbers. All that I care about it the bonds and luff. <3